"If you want a rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

I've been thinking too much lately. Way too much. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off for a while and not be able to think about anything. I hate it because I can never concentrate in school and right now I really need to focus in my classes because I'm not doing that well. I've also thought about going to a different school next and and am almost a 100& positive about it. I think I'll be better off anyway. I've changed completely over the past couple months too.... I'm happy because it's a good change, but I just miss loving the things I used to love. Everyone changes at somet point and time though, 'cause you know nothing lasts forever.

I don't really know about anything anymore. I confuse myself a lot. I used to know what I wanted in life, or at least that's what I thought. Now, I have absolutely no idea what I want... with anything. It's kind of sad. Well actually.... maybe what I want just doesn't exist. I mean I'm sure it exists somewhere, but... Maybe I'm just too picky. Or maybe I've been through enough things to the point where I have just given up on looking for what I want. I'm only 16, but man have I been through a lot in all the years I've been alive. I'll get what I want someday. I think I just need to try harder. I already do try hard though.... way too hard. But then again, I also give up a lot and that really doesn't help me any.

I'd also like a boy. Like a perfect one. There's a lot of guys I could've had, but I just chose not to do anything. I'm always too scared to tell people how I feel about them. I just always wait for them to come to me and I never go for what I want. I'm also scared of commitment. I have no idea why, but I know it's part of my problem. I never like to open up to people easily because I have major trust issues... also part of my problem. And when I don't open up to people within a certain amount of time, they don't like that, and then they don't really want anything to do with me anymore. It takes a long time for me to trust people and get used to them and a lot of people hate that, but I'm just being careful because I don't want to get hurt. Even though I have someone standing right infront of me.... I am too scared to tell him how I feel about him. We already have a good friendship and I feel like there could be something else there, but I'm still not certain about it. I'd like to tell him, but I don't think I can.

2009 Goals

I've thought of a list of goals I would like to complete this year. A lot of them will be hard to do, but I know I can do them if I try hard enough and not give up. I'm gonna cross them off as soon I complete them and hopefully I'll be able to complete them all by the end of this year.

1. Find at least one thing each day that makes me happy and record it everyday for a year.
3. Stop procrastinating.
4. Learn to say no.
5. Save money.
6. Always remember to think before saying/doing something.
7. Drink more tea.
8. Learn to not take things so personally.
9. Stop trying to impress people I don't even like.
10. Worry less.
11. Try harder in school.
12. Swallow my pride.
13. Find a balance between the things I want to do and the things I need to do.
14. Learn to surf this summer.
15. Be more open with the people I care about.
16. Not cut my hair and just let it grow.
17. Dress better.
18. Stop holding back at telling people the truth.
19. Let the people I really care about know that I really do care about them.
20. Actually start to do things I want to do instead of just thinking about doing them.
21. Keep calm and carry on.
22. Listen to better music.
23. Stop saying things I don't mean, even if I'm mad.
24. Admit when I'm wrong.
25. Read more.
26. Stop being so afraid all the time.
27. Go camping.
28. Stop letting people walk all over me.
29. Stop buying things that I know I'm not going to wear/use.
30. Start playing guitar again.
31. Don't take things out on people when it's not even their fault.
32. Pray more.

That's all for now, maybe I'll think of more later... I don't know.

I finally learned

to just let things go. I realized I can't have everything I want, but I've also realized that those things that I've wanted aren't even worth my time anyway. I feel a lot better about things now. When something bad happens or someone does you wrong you only get stronger in the end and I've been through some things in the past couple weeks but it's only going to make me a stronger, smarter, and better person. I also learned to not be so afraid to do the things I want to do. From now on, if I want to tell someone something or do something I've been wanting to do, I'm just going to swallow my pride and do it because if I never take a chance then I might never get what I really want. I learned that in life you just have to take chances and if they turn out bad, then so what.... you just move on or try again, but if they turn out good then sweet.

My week was so good until someone had the nerve to text me last night and ask me to hangout... Come on, really. I don't even know why you would even think I'd want to hangout with you. I was learning to let what happened go and I was doing fine, but no you had to text me last night and ruin my night. Thank you, thanks a lot. But then I thought that I could actually talk to you and tell you things that I've been wanting to tell you, but guess who didn't care like usual? You. I pour my heart and soul out to you and tell you things I've never even told anyone else before and in the end you do not even care. I wish you would though. But you don't really care about anything or anyone but yourself and that's going to get you nowhere in life, so good luck with that. You're just a kid still. I've grown up, but you haven't.

I'm going to stop wasting my time on the people who don't even deserve me or my time. Should of done that a long time ago, but whatever.

I guess

the past two days have been good. Well, no they've been great actually. Today, Allisa and I did a few community service hours at the Collingswood Manor (senior citizens home). We just had to walk around and visit people on each floor. You know, just talk to them and see how they're doing. It made me feel nice, like it made me feel better about myself once I did it. To see some of the smiles on their faces when they realized someone was visitng them was such a good feeling. They really enjoy company and some of their stories were interesting. I actually am looking forward to finishing my hours there and I think I still may go back after I'm done because I really like it. When I know I'm making someone else happy, I'm also making myself happy.

After really thinking hard the past few days I've realized some things. I finally figured everything out, but I'm not going to say any of that on here because I don't think anyone needs to know except me. You're in denial and I know it. You know it too. All I'm going to say.

I

don't even know anymore.................