"If you want a rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain."

I've been thinking too much lately. Way too much. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my mind off for a while and not be able to think about anything. I hate it because I can never concentrate in school and right now I really need to focus in my classes because I'm not doing that well. I've also thought about going to a different school next and and am almost a 100& positive about it. I think I'll be better off anyway. I've changed completely over the past couple months too.... I'm happy because it's a good change, but I just miss loving the things I used to love. Everyone changes at somet point and time though, 'cause you know nothing lasts forever.

I don't really know about anything anymore. I confuse myself a lot. I used to know what I wanted in life, or at least that's what I thought. Now, I have absolutely no idea what I want... with anything. It's kind of sad. Well actually.... maybe what I want just doesn't exist. I mean I'm sure it exists somewhere, but... Maybe I'm just too picky. Or maybe I've been through enough things to the point where I have just given up on looking for what I want. I'm only 16, but man have I been through a lot in all the years I've been alive. I'll get what I want someday. I think I just need to try harder. I already do try hard though.... way too hard. But then again, I also give up a lot and that really doesn't help me any.

I'd also like a boy. Like a perfect one. There's a lot of guys I could've had, but I just chose not to do anything. I'm always too scared to tell people how I feel about them. I just always wait for them to come to me and I never go for what I want. I'm also scared of commitment. I have no idea why, but I know it's part of my problem. I never like to open up to people easily because I have major trust issues... also part of my problem. And when I don't open up to people within a certain amount of time, they don't like that, and then they don't really want anything to do with me anymore. It takes a long time for me to trust people and get used to them and a lot of people hate that, but I'm just being careful because I don't want to get hurt. Even though I have someone standing right infront of me.... I am too scared to tell him how I feel about him. We already have a good friendship and I feel like there could be something else there, but I'm still not certain about it. I'd like to tell him, but I don't think I can.